Mother's Day

May 13, 2012
Mother's Day

Today is my first Mother's Day.  Jonathan knew just what I wanted - to have an easy, lazy day with my baby girl.  I want to cherish all parts of this day, because it is a bit bittersweet.  Today is the last day before I have to go back to work.  My parents came to visit and afterwards, Drew and I took the best nap in the chair together.  Lots of cuddles for this day.

As the day grew into evening, I could feel my anxiety growing.  I didn't want this day to end.  I didn't want things to change.  But as it always does, day turned into night and it was time to put Drew to bed.  During our nighttime routine of rocking Drew to sleep, I couldn't help but to watch her with tears in my eyes.  I cried during this whole process.

When I came out, Jonathan just held me.  He knew this was rough for me.  During that nite, I wrote a letter to Drew.  Its contents are below:

Dear Drew,

Today was our first Mother's Day together.  It was very low key and wonderful, but also, quite bittersweet.  Your Nana and Pops were here and we just lounged around for most of the day.  You and I took the best nap together in the big chair.  Daddy even took a picture of us.

However, it is also such a sad day.  You see, tomorrow Mommy has to go back to work and you start daycare.  So as I am sitting here getting you to sleep, I am fighting back tears because as of tomorrow, everything changes.

I have been lucky to be able to stay home with you for these 13 weeks, watching you bloom from an extension of a fetus to a real life baby.  I have loved being there for your first smile, first coo, first laugh out loud, first time you held something in your hands.  I am terrified of all the firsts I am now going to miss, but I guess it can still be a first if it is the first time you do it for us.

Tomorrow, our lives change from spending all day together to only getting maybe 4 hours of awake time a day.  It just doesn't feel right.  I have a new soft spot for your dad because, he had to make this transition when you were just 3 weeks old.

I now understand why so many people choose to stay home.  I did not get it before, but as I look at you, the epitome of love, I am crying at the thought of spending my day without you tomorrow.

Going back to work is the right decision for our family.  I do not doubt that.  I just want you to realize how much it really does break my heart.

I love you everyday.

Mom

I still believe that going back to work is the right decision for us right now, but that decision never gets easier.  As I am writing this blog post, I am crying as if it were happening all over again.  All I can do is make the time I do get with my baby girl each day matter.  That may mean that at times my house may be a little messy, or the laundry may be a little behind, but none of that matters...not anymore.